Stuckedness and Getting Help by Conway Felton

When I was newly married at 25 years of age my wife, Sallie and I had not lived together prior to our wedding. It was a time when parents of the ’60s  were not quite ready for this new living arrangement.  Had we done so, it is exceedingly unlikely we would have married, given my mannerisms/behavior under this cloud of depression.

Sallie saw first hand my moodiness, snappiness, anger, directed at myself , as well as my low self-esteem. If she chose to stay in our marriage,  she knew that she needed to take care of herself first..she needed support too. Therefore, her discussions with her primary care Doctor was the first step. The Doctor indicated that I certainly could get help. Depression makes others around them walk around on egg shells waiting for another outburst. Now she had to convince me that the inability to make decisions,  finding it hard at times to get out of bed coupled with flu-like symptoms was NOT the daily NORM of people. Needless to say it took weeks as she was able to finally help me look back at a series of events that led to seeing and understanding a pattern of life that did seem flawed.

Could I have ever gone to counseling on my own? Not likely. But I had a wife that was willing to support me. Did I feel our marriage might be doomed unless I went to counseling, I don’t recall but subconsciously I probably knew that might be the case. So I feel extremely fortunate to have a soul mate to steer me towards getting help. 

Sallie’s notes: It is very important for any partner/spouse who is in a relationship with someone with depression find support for themselves as well. We were newly married and I wondered about my future.  Did I want to raise children in this environment? Was this behavior normal? There had been a pattern through his family. And speaking with family sometimes is not helpful, as they too need to be educated. So, was I to  just accept this at face value and do nothing?  IT AGAIN WAS A CHOICE I HAD TO MAKE. I continued to read and educate myself on the subject of depression. I would continue to share this information with Conway and slowly we began to talk about it. It was because of the support and communication that  made a  difference for him. He was willing to go seek counseling and begin the process. More to come.

Depression, IN THE BEGINNING by Conway Felton

How does depression start? Well, I don’t think there is a dramatic beginning. The light does not just suddenly go out, rather it starts to dim as if on a rheostat switch. It could be much like any illness that is mysteriously acquired and you don’t have any idea that you have “it”. Depression can lay dormant and only appear because of various internal or external events; internal: biological and external: traumatic event. Because you think the way you feel is normal, there is no reason to think otherwise. If this is the way “I feel and look at the world”, why would you realize that your feeling  was distorted? As a child, adolescent or adult, you judge the physical and mental weight as just plain normal. For those who realize they have depression, the how and why does not really matter. There are but two choices: either deal with it head on, or try to sustain some form of life by saying the proverbial, “I’m fine.” The “I‘m fine” choice could cost you many personal relationships and ultimately your own life and soul. I have known 4 friends who have taken their lives because of depression and I simply want to share the notion that that choice is unacceptable. More to come.

ONE FOR THE RECORD BOOKS

I received a call from a past client and friend.  She told me she has been cleaning and clearing the paper from her office and house. Ok, ready for this….she and her husband put out on trash day, 77 pounds of shredded paper to be recycled!!! That is 11 large trash bags…they each weighed 7 pounds !!! Plus she got rid of 47 CDs…So if you think you are stuck with all that paper, know others have succeeded and you can too. It takes patience, perseverance and a little laughter.  As she said, “It’s  raining “snowballs” here in Minnesota.”

REVISITED

We had a call from our oldest son, Corey, last night….the one who survived being buried in the avalanche. He and his brother, Taylor, rode their dirt bikes back into the area where they were caught in last winter. I noticed the tone in his voice, amazement as to the debris, boulders, stumps, trees knocked over everywhere. His reply to me, “Mom, I have no idea how I am still alive looking at what I crashed into and through.” Just what every mother wants to hear.

It has taken me months to get back to blogging because the last one was my “unloading” of the accident. Yes, it has taken the stuffing out of me, but what has it done to our sons? They went back and “relived” it once again. The only bit of humor was finding their gear: one ski, one pole, one hand held radio, and the back clip of Corey’s helmet (all of two inches long). They were quiet, taking it all back in. I, too, know that they will go back and retrieve the other ski and the other pole once 12 more feet of snow as melted in the bowl. Their curiosity will lead them back. My wish is they remember how precious life is and how it can be snuffed out in a second. Even the thrill of skiing a new line on  untracked snow can blind many of the consequences. 

I know they are wiser, older and have a new sense of life’s fragility. But as a mother, hearing they are going  to ski into the backcountry…I will say another prayer and then another!

All I ask is they call me at the end of the day…

Sallie

A Need To Unload

 

 

Buried Alive. That’s how the beginning of the phone call started.  Three weeks ago our son, Corey, was in an avalanche in Jackson Hole, Wyoming, buried 5 feet down, and found unconscious by his brother, Taylor, and room mate, Topher. To make matters even more interesting, Corey was in a prior avalanche in Alaska just 10 months ago and had his ACL repaired.

 

So I ask how does one, as a parent deal with that type of call and stress? I have spent hours reflecting three things:

 

1. Saying thank you and being grateful just isn’t enough, for me, for saving someone’s life
2. Knowing the length of your lifetime is not for us to know, it is how you live that matters
3. Continuing to support a lifestyle, which seems to be intravenously injected into the soul of our son, without adding doubt to his self-confidence?

 

Upon flying to Jackson Hole to see Corey, I was met at the airport by our son, Taylo,r and our daughter, Sarah. I became acutely aware that Taylor’s hug was tighter than before and his arms engulfed me. We just stood there, nestled in each other, whispering how glad we were to see each other. (Little did I know that Taylor had also been slid and was able to grab onto a tree). Sarah joined the reunion of stretched out arms. It was a few days later when she realized she could have lost two brothers. Reality hit her hard.

There was something very different in the demeanor of Taylor. I got a sense he knew what it was like to have glimpsed death.

When I saw Topher, I told him that I could not cook enough home cooked dinners to make up for what he did. I owed him more than I had and then some. He saved our son from being buried alive! I wondered how he was processing this.

 

I looked out at the fields of snow realizing that as a parent we cannot say when and where the lifetime of our children ends. It is not in our hands, but what I am sure about is HOW we choose to live our lives. Living just to exist is worse than living to LIVE.

Being ever present is a profound way to live one’s life. I realize that even more.

 

Both my husband and I will worry about what they do. They have chosen a lifestyle that lives on the edge. It is their profession. However, they have been well trained, educated and are very aware of the risks.

 

I had a friend say to me, “Sallie, how can you continue to have them do this? They could die!” Yes, they could, but “I WOULD BE KILLING THEM EVEN MORE IF I WERE TO ASK THAT THEY STOP DOING WHAT THEY LOVE.”

I can’t do that; they would lose their spirit, their passion, and their zest for life. The flicking of the candle would die.

 

So I ask they each tell us what they are doing, what they have learned, what are their dreams…and I listen. And I listen some more. So much that I hear their heart’s beat with enthusiasm. For they are living their lives exactly they want too and buried in the thrill of life.

 

Thanks for listening…I needed that.

 

 

I ask you, what would you do if you were a parent? What would you do differently? And who would it benefit?

 

Sallie Felton

Life Coach

Transition Specialist

International Talk Radio Host

www.salliefeltonlifecoach.com

I DID IT!!!!

LIST OF GOALS COMPLETED TO DATE:

# 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,  7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30

NEW GOALS COMPLETED OVER THE MONTH:

#4 My cottage industry, The Rocking Horse, has begun to gallop. Though it is a work in progress, it has been focused on for the past couple of weeks. There will be pictures that need to be taken of the product line, but those will be added as the items are made. Sometimes I thought I couldn’t get this done, especially since I am not a techie, but persistence is one of my core values…and I don’t give up easily! One step at a time.

#6 Remember how I was leaving this for last. Well I have not…I have taken all the kids photo albums and gotten three boxes (one for each). In the evenings, by the fire, and watching a movie, I have removed the best pictures of each and placed them into their respective boxes. Duplicates I have tossed, and any blurred ones, also tossed. How many pictures do we need of the same birthday party, Holidays, first bike ride etc…save the best.

I will chronologically place and label each of the pictures into their albums. Scanning did not hold that heart felt sentiment for me as reviewing the past and creating a journey. Each to his/her own, but it worked for me.

#11 I have asked my sister, Nina, to help me with, as this is right up her ally and I love her taste!

#19 Stone wall all repaired before the snow fell.

#29 Decided the hot yoga classes were just to hot for me, so I  joined another excersice class. Feeling great!!! 

SO THERE YOU HAVE IT…IF I CAN DO IT SO CAN YOU.

What I learned:

A year is a long time….keeping up is a commitment, but the end result  for me is feeling  tremendously accomplished. No one said that this would be a walk in the park, and many times I believed I took on way too much. However, after three months into it I had two choices: continue or give up.

If I continued I knew that I was accountable to all who read this blog and to all those in my radio land. To quit meant to not even try to succeed. I could have used any number of excuses, but I would be cheating myself of two things:

1. what would I learn about myself by accomplishing these goals? and 2. how would my goals serve me in the end?

I can say to you as I end 2008 that I not only surprised myself but others.

My tip:

START WHERE YOU STAND. 

Set small goals

Be specific, make them measureable, attainable, realistic, and time-oriented.

GIVE YOURSELF A CHANCE TO SUCCEED.

if not now…when? Tell me your own story…I would love to offer you support..

Wishing you and yours a very safe, warm Holiday Season

Warmly,

Sallie

www.salliefeltonlifecoach.com

sallie@salliefeltonlifecoach.com

HOME STRETCH…5 MORE TO GO!

LIST OF GOALS COMPLETED TO DATE:

# 1, 2, 3, 5, 7, 9, 10, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27 28, 30 (25 COMPLETED…5 TO GO!)

CAN’T BELIEVE THAT I LAST POSTED JULY 20!!! I AM SORRY, THE DECLUTTERING HAS TAKEN OVER AND THE ACCOUNTABILITY TO SHARE MY PROGRESS GOT PUT ASIDE.

NEW GOALS COMPLETED:

#7 More went out to Salvation Army, www.freecycle.org,

#3 Took more to the consignments stores, love getting those monthly checks.

#5, #20 All upstairs drawers and closets are done. Downstairs: living room, dining room, office, breakfast room, and den are all completed!! Storage area above the back hall has been torn apart, reorganized, all records or documents in appropriate chronological order: each child has their own important document box…labeled.

#23 Got rid of more funiture we simply won’t use. Simplicity is looking better and better.

#25 Took all the unused paint to the town environment day. They took 24 paint cans plus a $$fee for recycling. I asked them what they do with all that, seeing the haz mat team ahead of me in their white garb and jumpsuits. IT GETS USED FOR FUEL!!

IF YOU HAVE ANY UNUSED, LEFTOVER PAINTS, CALL A SCHOOL OR A THEATRE COMPANY, THEY MAY VERY WELL USE THEM FOR THEIR PROPS…AGAIN POST ON WWW.FREECYCLE.ORG THERE ARE MANY PEOPLE WHO WILL COME AND GET IT.

#27 The dog and I are learning new tricks…Kathleen O’Connell (KATO405@comcast.net), a dog trainer is helping me with dog aggression. Our loveable Misty feels she has to assert her being while meeting another dog on walks. Now both of us are getting the lessons we need while I am increasing my excersise routine! This is great~ 

WHAT I HAVE LEARNED:

Even though I have not shared these past 4 months with you: I never gave up continuing to work away at this. I kept myself always having the finish line in sight and what that would look like…the end result, the goal. This has been a long process, but if one takes chunks, breaks it down it can be done!!! So go for it.

Remember to renew, reuse, recycle: be environmentally friendly.

Here’s a tip: got a clogged drain? Well I tried this and it worked! Pour 1 cup baking soda in the drain, then pour 1 cup vinegar in the drain; one minute later, follow with 1 pint boiling water. DRAIN FREE!!

WHAT’S NEXT ON THE LIST?

5 more left to do…whew…and 2 of them, are of course the ones I have been leaving to the last…why, because i REALLY DON’T WANT TO DO THEM.

#4 make a new website for the Rocking Horse with photos

#6 organize all the photographs from past years, put into individual albums for each child

(they are already in albums, but this next step is removing each one and sorting per child)

#11 will be done in the next three weeks

#19 stone wall will be fixed today

#29 look into different Yoga classes in the next 2 weeks

So there you have it, the last 5.

Do I hear a drum roll? Do I hear cheering in the background?? I hear the quiet conviction of making a goal and following through, even when hitting the wall. It’s those lessons learned of structuring a way for each job to get done…but it has to work for YOU.

So as 2008 comes to a close, what might you select to have as your goal for 2009. Share your thoughts, I would love to read them.

Check out our new decluttering book: www.clutterfreeandclear.com

written by myself and 8 other internationally renowned authors; chapters full of tips, hints, worksheets. From Clutter from the Inside Out, Feng Shui, Computer Clutter, Time Management, Finding Your Strengths, decluttering Relationships, Downsizing, to How to Simplify for the Holidays… everything to make it easier for you to get a grib on your own clutter.

Will continue to update you, Warmly, Sallie

www.salliefeltonlifecoach.com

sallie@salliefeltonlifecoach.com

http://salliefelton.blogspot.com

http://www.boomercoffeehouse.com/index.php/self_expression/category/C20/

ONE DRAWER AT A TIME

I am moving further still!

#3 Taking more tomorrow to the consignment store

#20 Went through all my bureau drawers: how many short sleeve shirts does one person need?

Well here is what I did to solve that problem:

1. Put all the shirts on my bed

2. Sorted by color

3. Picked up each one, if there was a stain or soiled mark  I couldn’t get out….it is now designated for a “play” or “garden” shirt…therefore, an existing ”garden” shirt that WAS in the drawer is now designated for the RAG pile. Off to the garage for those. GREAT TO USE ON THE BOAT OR CARS.

Hint: If one shirt goes into a pile to be replaced, than one must come OUT. 

4. Took all the furniture not to be used to the storage unit. Holding these for grown children.

To do:

#5 Tomorrow I believe it is going to rain…so I will hit Corey’s closet and mine.

Then the entire upstairs will have been done.

Thought you all might like to see what has been accomplished!!! Our EBook is finished and ready for all of you to see…click on CLUTTER FREE AND CLEAR below.

Clutter Free and Clear:
Take Charge of Your Time and Space

A How-to Book to Simplify your Life!

 

On sale now for only $18.88!

8 Authors ~ 8 unique perspectives

over $400 worth of bonuses combined!

Click here for more details:

ClutterFreeAndClear

 

WE DID IT!!

I have some very exiting news to share with all of you. This is so fitting for what I have been posting for the last 7 months now; my New Year Resolutions.

I and 7 other authors have just published an EBook called CLUTTER FREE AND CLEAR: TAKE CHARGE OF YOUR TIME AND SPACE, A How To Book To Simplify Your Life.

I am putting the link to the bottom of this post so all of you who are curious, can see what it’s all about. 

http://www.salliefeltonlifecoach.com/Clutter-Free-and-Clear/index.html

or check it out on my home page of my website:

www.salliefeltonlifecoach.com

Let’s get you out from under…

Sallie

WHEN ONE DOOR CLOSES ANOTHER ONE OPENS

LISTS OF GOALS COMPLETED TO DATE:

#S 1,2,3,7,9,10,12,13,14,15,16,17,18,21,22,24,26,28,30 (19 out of 30…11 more to go!)

NEW GOALS COMPLETED IN THE PAST MONTH:

#7 To more items to Salvation Army last week

#25 Completely tore through Taylor’s closet, now neat and organized

Room reorganized…new curtains, new rug (not brand new….an older one I had that I loved)

Drawers and closets cleaned out:

Dining room, kitchen: pots and pans, silverware, glasses, dishes, cupboards of food, utensils, table cloths; den, all underneath cabinets; laundry room, shelves cleaned, old socks used as rags and dusters

#10 Bought new couches for the den, to be delivered on July 20

#26 Continue to call old friends! and reconnect

#30 Making early morning habits stick!

#28 Making sure that I eat breakfast each morning and not get onto my laptop the first thing in the morning!!

RECEIVED A CHECK FROM THE CONSIGNMENT STORE!

 

WHAT I LEARNED:

Have you ever noticed “when one door closes another one opens”. For example, after spending all this time decluttering, ridding my house of all the things that we no longer needed…my husband’s parent’s house sold and the furniture needed to be divided amongst the three grown siblings. (There was a moment of panic when I thought of all the furniture and other stuff that would now be descending on and into the house…after 6 months of cleaning and clearing, ugh!). Here is where the door opened.

For years we had not used the living room because pieces of furniture were being moved from one place, it became the “storage” unit for my own family of origins furniture, nic nacs, paintings, etc…until I decided what to do with it all. I must admit the living room was not a high priority on my list. The thought of redecorating, covering and reupholster was daunting and costly.  We lived in our den which we always found to be more cozy with roaring fires, especially in the cold winters.

When Conway came back from selecting what he might like from his parent’s house, I was surprised to learn that much of what he selected would have been my choice too. AND THEY ALL WERE LIVING ROOM FURNITURE PIECES! Last night we had his family over for dinner, we used the living room for the first time in four years! It gave them and us great pleasure to see where the furniture from their past was now living. “Sallie, that looks perfect there, it was meant to be.” “Wow, I remember where that was in the old house, it looks fabulous here.” I know that they all had a first glance at spying one or more pieces, I am sure as they continue to return, they will trip over another piece from their past. Certainly seeing the pleasure on their faces made my night.

So just when you think you have cleaned out something and have all your ducks in a row, don’t be surprised if some other door opens. Greet it with enthusiasm and curiosity, you never know where it will take you.

RENEW, REUSE, RECYCLE:

I learned something new on Good Morning America today; it was all about the new movement to SWAP. As the economy gets tighter, more individuals are swapping their skills and talents for items. Example: a woman needed dental work but could not afford the procedure. It was her dentist that approached her and said that he would be more than happy to take care of her dog in return for the procedure. So check out craigslist or swap.com for more tips.

WHAT’S NEXT:

#7 To more items to Salvation Army last week

Move all inherited furniture to storage unit for kids’ future houses

Take painting to auction house

Go through my closet on a rainy day this week

Go through all my drawers in my bedroom

Redo and reorganize linen closet

#5 Tackle Corey’s closet…when that is done the entire upstairs will be FINISHED!!!

#3 Take more to the consignment store

#8 Hot tub fell through, so I need to try and sell that one more time

So what are you struggling with?

What would you like to bring into your life?

Remember be SMART: S-specific; M-measureable; A-attainable; R-realistic; T-time oriented

Warmly,

Sallie

Life Coach and International Talk Radio Host

WWW.SALLIEFELTON.COM

WWW.SALLIEFELTON.BLOGSPOT.COM

SALLIE@SALLIEFELTONLIFECOACH.COM